i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
