You smell like stripper and shame
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
