True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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