my mouth tastes like poor choices
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
