Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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