theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Success! We fucked roommates!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
