Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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