can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
