allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
