How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
