Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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