Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
