By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
