i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
