this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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