I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
