she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
