I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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