Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
