I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
