oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
