I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
