I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
