Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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