Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
