first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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