I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
