Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
