She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
