Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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