remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
