oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
