you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
