He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
