I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
