I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
