Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
