I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
