Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
