i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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