I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
