I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
