One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
