did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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