I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize