Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
