got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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