I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
