I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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