community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
