I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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