I'm so fucking centered right now
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The power of my boobs compel you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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