Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
