Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
